Renowned author, trainer brings bullying message to Rochester

On Board Online • November 5, 2012

By Paul Heiser
Staff Writer

Barbara Coloroso distilled a 30-hour course into a 90-minute session at NYSSBA’s 93rd Annual Convention. The renowned writer and educational consultant presented “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander – Breaking the Cycle of Violence,” to attentive listeners at the Saturday morning session, which was repeated in the afternoon.

Coloroso has written several books and travelled the country bringing her message to schools about the harmful effects of bullying, how to recognize it, and what to do about it.

Coloroso said bullying is not about  conflict. It’s about contempt – a powerful feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect. Bullying is a conscious, willful and deliberate hostile activity, intended to harm. It has four signs: an imbalance of power between the bully and the one being bullied; an intent to do harm; a threat of further aggression; and, if it continues unabated, it leads to terror.

Coloroso said that any bullying situation has three components: the bully, the person being bullied, and the bystander (or bystanders). Each has his or her own role to play.

The bully. Bullies feel a contempt for others that grows out of a sense of entitlement, or the right to control, dominate, subjugate, and abuse another human being. Bullies are intolerant to those who are different. Bullies also feel at liberty to bar, isolate, and segregate a person deemed not worthy of respect or care.

The bullied. The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that a bully or a bunch of bullies has targeted them. Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn, and thus the recipient of bullying, merely because he or she was different in some way.

There are a number of warning signs that a kid is being bullied. A child who is being bullied often shows an abrupt lack of interest in school, doesn’t want to go to school at all or takes an unusual route to school. Typically a bullied student’s grades will drop suddenly, and he or she withdraws from family and school activities.

Unfortunately, bullied children often won’t tell someone who may be in a position to help them because they are ashamed of being bullied, are afraid of retaliation, or they don’t believe anyone can help them. They may also buy into the stereotype that bullying is simply a necessary part of growing up, and that tattling on their peers is wrong.

The bystander. Bystanders are the supporting cast who aid and abet the bully, through acts of omission and commission. They stand idly by or look away, or they actively encourage the bully or join in and become one of a bunch of bullies.

Bullying is challenged when the majority stands up against the cruel acts of the minority. Since much of bullying goes without adults knowing about it, it is incumbent upon kids themselves to show bullies that they will not be looked up to nor their behavior tolerated.

So how do you stop bullying?

Coloroso offers seven steps:

1. Discipline for the bully, including the “Three Rs:” restitution, resolution and reconciliation.
2. Create opportunities to “do good.”
3. Nurture empathy.
4. Teach friendship skills.
5. Closely monitor TV viewing, video games and computer activities that expose children to violence.
6. Engage in more constructive, entertaining, energizing activities.
7. Teach ways to “will good.” This involves promoting activities that encourage students to extend themselves to others. Examples include serving as a crossing guard or reading to younger students.