'I know just what you're going through'

On Board Online • March 2, 2015

By George Basler
Special Correspondent

As a second-grade teacher, Barb Durkot has helped students cope not only with English and math but also with personal grief.

Over the last years, she's had students who have lost a parent, a grandparent or a best friend. Even the death of a pet can be emotionally tough for a youngster, noted Durkot, who works for the Maine-Endwell Central School District in Broome County.

It's part of her job to deal with that, she said. "As a teacher I handle the whole child," Durkot said. "If their emotional well-being is not good, it's my job to fix it."

But bereavement was not something covered in any of her coursework in college or graduate school. Instead, she had to use her own judgment about what to say.

Durkot's experience is typical. A 2012 survey by the New York Life Foundation and American Federation of Teachers found 69 percent of responding teachers reported having at least one grieving student in their classroom, while only 7 percent said they had received any training to support grieving children.

That means teachers can lack the skills to give students the support they need, said Tom Demaria, director of the Psychological Services Center at the Post campus of Long Island University and a board member for the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement.

"Certainly, some teachers are fantastic, but some are not sure what works, and some back away because they don't want to harm a child," Demaria said.

But addressing grief is worthwhile in many ways, he said. "A child who feels support during the grieving process will do better academically," Demaria said.

A new website, grievingstudents.org, is designed to give teachers, school staff and parents the information and practical advice that they need to help students cope with bereavement.

"We want to enhance their (teachers') comfort level," said pediatrician David Schonfeld, an expert on grief who is featured in videos on the website, including one on "What Not to Say." He is executive director of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement, author of a book called The Grieving Student and a member of Connecticut's Sandy Hook Advisory Committee.

"We're not asking teachers to be therapists or grief counselors, but they can make a big difference by taking relatively simple measures to express care and understanding," Schonfeld told On Board.

He said educators are in a unique position to help grieving students because they are at an emotional distance from a child's loss and, therefore, can provide "a safer place" for a child to talk about what he, or she, is going through.

Durkot, the Maine-Endwell teacher, has viewed material on the website, which she calls a good resource for teachers and parents. It was developed by the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, a collaboration of the New York Life Foundation, the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement and educational organizations, including the American School Counselor Association and the National Association of School Psychologists.

The site features a series of professional development modules that cover topics including: talking with children, what not to say, the impact on learning, school re-entry, cumulative grief, and cultural considerations when dealing with bereavement. Schofeld called it "practical advice" that can be reviewed by teachers and school officials.

The development process was a collaborative one, said Heather Nesle, president of the New York Life Foundation, which has pumped $1.4 million into the website. Schonfeld and the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement developed the key topics and material that was reviewed and vetted by an advisory committee of coalition members.

"The resource that was developed is incredible," said Jill Cook, assistant director of the American School Counselor Association. "The more information, and the more resources, the better."

Modules on the site are a valuable resource for professional development, said Amy Morris, a social worker at Maine Memorial Elementary School, where Duckot teaches.

Morris and Duckot said they're fortunate that their district uses a school-level team approach in helping a student. When an issue arises, a team - which can include the classroom teacher, an administrator and counselor - meets to develop a plan, Duckot said.

The team approach is one of the keys to supporting grieving students, Schonfeld said. He added that support should be coordinated among the various adults who interact with a child. Schools also are a good place to monitor how a child does over time in dealing with loss, he said.

Grief is painful, can be life-changing, and is something educators need to help students deal with, Schonfeld said.

"Kids, in general, are resilient, but it doesn't mean it's not painful," he said. "If we provide assistance, they can get back and maybe become even more resilient."